How to Get Away with Unacceptable Kitty Behavior

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Getting away with unacceptable kitty behavior is a skill no cat can do without. And I’m not just talking about getting away with some piddly little thing you’re merely not supposed to do. That’s easy. I’m talking about getting away with a Major League kitty no-no. Something that can result in dire consequences such as a thousand-dollar fine or a three-day suspension. Something that is absolutely, unconditionally, and unequivocally verboten!

The nature of unacceptable kitty behavior varies from human to human. Some humans are such shameless cat lovers that they’ll let you get away with just about anything – clawing the arm of the couch, climbing up on kitchen counters, batting the Hope Diamond under the refrigerator, you name it  If your human does not have anything they consider to be unacceptable kitty behavior, skip this chapter (you lucky cat!).

On the other hand, if your human is like Steve and most other humans, they’ll have certain lines that cannot be crossed without incurring humiliating and degrading punishment, or at least a good scolding. What they don’t understand, fellow cat, is that from time to time, we must perform unspeakable acts of unacceptable kitty behavior. Why do we do it? Are we possessed by demons? Do we receive orders from outer space? Nah. We do it because it’s just plain fun.

Although Steve is one of the mushiest cat lovers on the planet and thinks I’m… dare I say it… the cat’s meow, he still has certain things that I am absolutely forbidden to do. He calls them “rules” (which, of course, have no particular meaning to me).

Here are some of the “rules” that constitute unacceptable kitty behavior as far as Steve is concerned:

  • Rule #1 Never jump up on the computer desk… something about cat hair in the hard drive or some such thing. I also think Steve is afraid that with my enormous kitty girth, I might knock over his monitor. What does he take me for? An oaf?
  • Rule #2 Never jump up on the kitchen table, the counter or the stove. Needless to say, this rule also includes not eating or knocking over anything I might find up there.
  • Rule #3 Never open or go in kitchen cabinets or drawers, or take anything out for eating or batting-around purposes. Even though this is classified as unacceptable kitty behavior in my household, I know Steve considers this a relatively minor offense. I’ve caught him grinning when he walks into the kitchen to find that I’ve opened every drawer and cupboard within my reach. Of course, if he catches me eating or destroying something I found, that’s a different story.
  • Rule #4 Never claw the arm of the couch in the living room. Need I say more?
  • Rule #5 Never climb up the screen on the front door. Actually, I don’t do this too often because one time, I got my claws stuck right up near the top and had to howl for Steve to come rescue me (oh the shame, the ignominy!) Still, once in awhile, there’s nothing quite like hurling yourself against a screen door and racing up to the top. It’s fun, it causes damage, and it makes a loud, irritating racket.

These are the main things that constitute unacceptable kitty behavior at my house and really get Steve’s dander up. Some, or all of them, might be on your human’s list… as I said, kitty taboos vary from human to human.

Now, how do you get away with unacceptable kitty behavior? Obviously, the easiest thing to do is wait until your human leaves the house, but that’s no fun. Any bonehead can do that.

No, the real challenge… the quintessential test of a cat’s absolute mastery and deftness is to do your dastardly deed right in front of your human’s eyes – and get away with it!

The first thing is to be ready to look cute at the drop of a dime. Mad as they may be at your antics, your human can’t get too angry when they are reminded just how adorable and innocent you really are. Choose your degree of cuteness in direct proportion to the seriousness of your misdemeanor or felony, whatever the case may be. If you’ve done something really bad, such as destroying one of your human’s priceless Ming dynasty vases, you might have to reach back for a little extra cuteness and pour it on thick. Personally, I wait until Steve yells at me, then I blink my eyes and scrunch up my face. That gets him every time.